Monday, June 1, 2015

2015-ish

Amidst vigorous editing of a document that has turned into something of an exasperation lately (but really isn't, thanks to a gentleman, I have only recently started looking upto), I realize that five months of 2015 have passed without my resorting to this space to whine, neither in prose nor poesy, about life's many changes. This does not change the fact that these five months have been the most difficult since 2007, and don't let me tell you any differently, if we meet in future. I'm 25, and have been hit by the vagaries of adulthood in a way I had never expected. This blog, amongst a multitude of other things, have been suffering, and I am not promising anything positive yet.

It has been a strange time. The urge to write exists only in the abstract. Happiness is only a temporary thing that comes and goes, and often, I fall into a deep, dark abyss (13 straight hours of sleep, barely any eating, staying indoors for days on end, breaking down often). I remember the last few months of research-related ordeals and in my head, I realize, I am a mess and no amount of you're-gonna-be-just-fine will help. While most people my age are planning families, I am reeling to get heart-breaking stories of rape, forced prostitution, trafficking, terror and poverty out of my head. And well, the last few months have not helped.

It is the beginning of a new month, and I am not promising to be a swanky new person instantly, but I hope to have tangible goals from today. These goals do not have to be path-breaking; they could simply be having breakfast everyday, or trying not to panic when someone leaves ripples on the bedsheets, or cooking more. Or simply doing whatever makes me happy, without feeling guilt or anxiety.

The next few months will be difficult and not crazy-difficult because crazy-difficult is easy to do. It will be slow-and-dull-difficult and I promise to be alright with that (note to self). Great things will happen, as soon as I stop worrying.

4 comments:

  1. The last line is a great advise and I hope to stick it to myself too!

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    Replies
    1. I hope to stick to it too. Not very easy though :)

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  2. hug.
    you will shine, like you always have.
    like you are meant to.

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